Thank you for caring. I do feel better. I love you, too.

I'm sure I've felt it before. Lonely. No, not lonely, that is fixable....   ALONE.  That's the feeling. ALONE.  The only one who knows what's going on and the only one who cares. . . .  ALONE. 

I've been sick for the past week. I've felt like my head was going to explode. My chest has felt like someone who could play front line for a Pro-football team was sitting on it only after hitting it and knocking it to the floor...  My back spasm'd with each and every cough. My throat was raw and eyes burning and dry. And except for the hands full of Advil, I'd have welcomed a bullet.

Amazingly, I have survived. I have lived through what I felt was surely the end but would wake from a short nap only to feel the cough rising, chest, head, throat, yep.... I'm still here.

The love of my life has cared enough about my health that he hasn't shown his face around here for more than to walk through the kitchen and go to bed. Lesson learned and note to self: 

IF you have anything you need or illness or in my case surgery scheduled, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT schedule it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or one or both days of the weekend. The bar nights fall Monday - Friday with Saturday and Sunday thrown in for good measure. Dare not interfere with socializing with everyone at the Bar....   who on earth do I think I am?

Surgery was scheduled for  mid-April but the love of my life questioned the reasoning behind that. "Why not go ahead and get it over with? Why wait so long???"  Well, let me see.....  huummmm, why indeed.  Could be because I will be taking care of myself because SURGERY WILL BE ON A FRIDAY!  Which falls on BAR NIGHT DAY and is preceeded and followed by BAR NIGHT DAY!  Which means I'll be home ALONE again. The absolutely only difference this time will be that the child who cared for me when I had my other two minor surgeries on BAR NIGHT DAY won't be here to bring me water and crackers. 

I'll make sure to have my night stand stocked and my water on the table by the bed. How dare I disrupt BAR NIGHT DAY for the powers that be....   How dare I get sick!  Who do I think I am? 

WELL, I'M FREAKING INVISIBLE BECAUSE EVIDENTLY MY CLOAKING DEVICE IS WORKING!  THAT'S WHO I AM ......   nobody .......  alone ......

Except, somewhere there is a small voice saying, "I'm here. Do you need anything? Here, Let Me touch your head. Does that feel better? Here you go, let Me hold your hand and let you feel My presence here beside you. I love you. You are going to be just fine. I love you very much." 

It feels like someone is here but when I open my eyes, I am alone. But, there must be someone here because, I really heard someone talking to me and I know I heard someone say, "I love you."  The cat isn't talking, I'm pretty sure anyway. There isn't anyone in the house except me, yet, I know someone has been taking care of me. 

It is then, I realize, Someone has been taking care of me and while I yearn for those earthly arms to hold me and care for me and my ears and heart ache to hear sweet words of love and caring, I have been given care and love by The Most Loving and Caring of All . . . . 

And while I may never feel nor hear what my flesh longs for, my spirit has been refreshed and my body will follow suit because I was special enough for my sweet God to take time to send love, care and comfort to me when I needed it most. 

My cloaking device may be working and I may be invisible, but My God is ALWAYS WITH ME! NO MATTER WHAT......

Thank you for caring. I do feel better. I love you, too.

 

If one is invisible.... does it matter that the wind blows?

Today, in my world, my head is clearing for the first time in three days. I think I will live. My chest doesn't ache as much and my back doesn't spasm with each cough as bad as it did yesterday. I think, today is a better day. Inside. 

Outside, the wind is blowing. The sun is shining the temperature is a wonderful 68*, which for the fifth of February in the Texas Panhandle is a true gift! But the wind is blowing. 

So what! It's 20* somewhere and I'm complaining about 68* and WIND... oooohhhh, poor baby....   Yeah, I'll take that while I sit here and wait out the flash fires in our tender box of overgrown, lush, freeze dried grass and bushes in the pastures surrounding the cities in our Panhandle of Texas...  All it will take is some idiot with a cigarette not wanting to mess up the ash tray in their new car tossing it out the window and POW! That is absolutely all it will take.  30+ mile per hour winds will take that little bit of glow from the lit end of that tossed trash and the damage is unimaginable. 

I've seen acres upon acres upon acres of burnt grass land that started beside the highway. Amazing how that one little spark can kill and destroy so much.

Our youngest son came home from school one day, long ago, and said, "Mom? Did you know that our tongue is the strongest thing in our body?"  No, I said, I did not know that... "Well, it is! It says so in the Bible!"  He then quoted the scripture, chapter and verse: 

James 3:2-8

• 2.
 
• We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.

• 3.
 
• When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal.

• 4.
 
• Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go.

• 5.
 
• Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.

• 6.
 
• The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

• 7.
 
• All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man,

• 8.
 
• but no man can tame the tongue.

And I've wondered about that since then. How such a 'small spark' can start such a big fire. How just one word uttered in anger or an instant of gossip can be overheard, misunderstood, repeated and then kill or at the very least severely damage one or more persons.  Much like that tossed lit cigarette can start a million acre grass fire that can kill and destroy. So can the tongue....

The wind is blowing. I'm inside. I'm protected. But someone's tongue is wagging and if left unattended or un-repremanded, that tongue will kill. It will kill friendships. It will kill relationships. It will kill self-confidence. It will kill faith. It will distroy trust. 

The wind is blowing. Tomorrow it will be calmer. We'll think about the wind tossed things around the yard or neighborhood, but it'll be over and everything will be good and back to normal. BUT the word that slipped off of that tongue will never die, never be forgotten, never be laid to rest. It will live forever . . . .  there is no repair to that damage. Apologies may be made, but memories never fade, trust will always be slim and hard to give, and most of all friendships and relationships will never be what they were before the hurricane of words flew from that wicked little member of the human body. 

My son was right, the tongue is the strongest member of the human body. Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but they'll heal. Your words will be with me for the rest of my life ....

One spark. One breeze. One word. 

If one is invisible, can the wind hurt one? 

It can if the invisible one has a heart.....

One piece of the puzzle at a time . . .

I believe God has our lives laid out like a jigsaw puzzle. He is the only one who sees the picture and He is the only one who hands out the pieces. Each morning he gives us a piece and how we receive it and place it is in our hands. Don't like the color? too bad. Don't like the shape? who cares. When the final piece is placed, we will see that the ugly colors were there only to embolden the one's we liked and loved. With that in mind, I'm wondering just where on earth the piece I was handed Friday, lives and works???

Friday, 2 January 2009, I went with our Soldier son to the airport to catch his flight back to his duty station. He was due to check in before 9 a.m. and depart by 9:35 a.m.  We left the house for the hour drive at 8:15 a.m.   He put his car in hyper-drive and I think I went back in time about four or five years. The g's on my body smoothed out my complexion and when we finally arrived at the airport, I looked pretty good. 

Standing at the check-in counter we're told he is 4 minutes into the 25 minute cut off and is too late to check in and will have to wait for the next flight out at noon. FOUR MINUTES! The question of "If The President was here FOUR MINUTES LATE would you rush to place his bag on the jet and let him board?" wasn't met with understanding. As a matter of fact, immediately, an armed policeman was standing at the side of the counter. Good thing I had those 4 or 5 years in reserve because I needed them and the face lift, dropped. I also found out that the ticket agent had absolutely no compassion, nor sense of humor.....  

FINE! THANK YOU AMERICAN AIRLINES! We left the airport after checking his bag so it would be ready for the next flight. Ran a couple of errands. Stopped at Starbucks and then back to the airport. He wanted a haircut but didn't dare chance being late for the noon flight. 

He arrived. Bag already checked, we went on the the security point. Talked for about 15 minutes and said our goodbyes. He would reach his duty station and a week later deploy for Iraq. This was a very heartfelt, see you later, take care, God goes before you, you still have His favor, good-bye. I stood, strong as any mother could be, watching her son clear security and walk back to wait for boarding. 

I watched out the window, lost in thought, then noticed, THERE IS NO JET.  THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO BOARD. The noon flight is due to leave in 20 minutes and THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' TO BOARD. . . .  Sure enough, the flight board shows the flight is cancelled. WHY? well, we just didn't have enough ticket sales to pay for the flight.  I literally RAN to the front counter only to find the same lovely clerk on duty. He was happy to see me, too! I must have made an impression on the dear man because I didn't even make it all the way to the counter before he stepped up to his computer and was saying to me, "We wondered where he was. We just put his tickets back in the drawer. His flight has been cancelled but he will leave at 1:15 arriving DFW at 2:10 and connecting to the same Philly flight at 4:10. Here are his updated tickets." He then handed me a pass to get the tickets to the "loading zone" through security. 

When my son saw me, his surprised look betrayed his joy in seeing me. I told him that since he had missed the first flight and the second flight was cancelled, I wanted to make sure he made it all the way to base so I was going with him. He turned pale. Very pale. Then quickly, but not quick enough, covered his shock with, "Really?! well, great. good. wow. really?"  Kodak moment passed and my camera stuck in my purse. 

His original flight would have deposited him on base by 5:00 p.m. Friday evening. The flights that actually made it into the air placed him inside the gate after midnight. His 4:00 flight from DFW had mechanical problems and he finally made it out by 7 p.m. Friday night. 

I found myself around 11:30 p.m. sitting and waiting for the phone to ring letting me know my Soldier had arrived on base. I sat with a knot in my gut, lump in my throat and tight feeling in my chest. Why? Because I was carrying the guilt of not getting him to his morning destination on time. Because I didn't insist he be ready the night before, because I didn't insist he stay home instead of visiting friends his last night in town. Because I didn't take charge, he was late and missed his flight and had a day of delays, cancellations and long flights putting him on base after his cut off time. All was well with him, as he had contact with his superiors and they understood the airline industry. 

WHY WAS I CARRYING THIS LOAD? That is the puzzle piece I don't want to handle. I carry it all of the time. It is my fault. HOW? WHY? Truth is, it isn't my fault. Truth is, no one hands it to me, I reach out and take it on my own. This is of my own doing. This is a lesson in life I need to learn and it is a hard one.  Until we learn our lessons, we are doomed to repeat them. God allows, maybe even demands, retakes. He wants us to learn. He wants us to be as close to Him as possible and we can't do that if we don't have the faith to trust Him to hand us the correct piece and then help us place it. AND if we carry loads He didn't hand us, how can we place our piece? 

Today, I want to carry only that which He hands me, because I know if He hands it to me, it's a load I can lift, a piece I can place. 

Thank you "Daddy" for being here for me, letting me see how much You love me and when the sun came up this morning, giving me a glimpse of my picture.